We can all smell it in the air. It’s a weird smell of blazing heat and money being wasted into the fiery pit of death also known as the Federal Reserve. If you’re not completely broke and still a college undergrad, there is still hope and change in store for you. That was a complete lie but here are some tips to make sure you are at least somewhat prepared for your binge drinking endeavors next semester.

First thing’s first. You will be reading this under the assumption that you have partied hard all summer and your liver is nothing short of a shriveled raisin. Once you have established a nicely defined, high tolerance for alcohol, you’re half way there. Remember the essentials to a successful college career. Binge drinking on evenings before exams is always a great idea to wake up refreshed and ready. So make sure whatever is left of your summer is spent carefully calculating how much Ramen soup is needed to get rid of that amazing hangover and upset your stomach just enough to puke thoroughly into your 2nd Floor bathroom toilet due to the absurd amounts of salt neatly packed into this plastic package sent from God.

Which leads me to my next point. RAMEN. It’s cheap, tasty when mixed with seven fluid ounces of Tabasco sauce, and can ruin your night instantly if you don’t have a cup of water ready by your side to down all that sodium that just infiltrated your stomach like it’s hungry for the Dead Sea. Actually, forget what I said. Get yourself a Meal Plan so you’ll be able to wake up the next day.

You’re not prepared for college if you didn’t do your summer research and reading. Your brain needs the necessary exercise to get itself ready for the total of ten days you’ll be doing actually work the entire Fall Semester. Hence, your summer should have been spent researching the perfect way to make Jungle Juice; the most exquisite way to down a can of Keystone Light without having to puke at the awful, watered down taste of urine packed into an aluminum cylinder; the best way to throw that pong ball and assure yourself that you’re not intoxicated despite the fact that your ball just hit your partner two feet next to you in the head.

Notebooks are important to bring with you to school. Sadly enough, there is some work involved with this whole “I need a piece of paper telling my employer that I survived academia but we all know that’s a complete lie.” I suggest spiral notebooks. Or you can remind yourself that it’s 2009 and get yourself a laptop, preferably not a Mac because I like two buttons on my mouse. But for all you Mathematics majors, may whatever divine entity out there have mercy on your soul, go for a marble notebook. But if you’re a political science major, just don’t show up to class. You just have to accept that socialism is a good thing and apply for a government job because that’s all that will be left once you graduate.

Remember to prepare to look simply dashing at those frat parties. Nothing defines class like torn jeans and a t-shirt that has some strange colloquialism on it like, “Damn, I look good.” Clearly, the girls just love that stuff. Ladies, remember a taser gun. Partying in flip-flops is also classy. Having the feeling of either puke or spilt Keystone or both on your feet really hits the spot when your best friend just told you “you’re the man.” Just be prepared for that pop quiz in American History 101 the next morning. And by next morning I mean Tuesday.

For those of us with fears of Communism and Che Guevara, be sure to avoid the Art History building and more than two-thirds of the student body. For those of us young, idealistic undergrads who believe in uber-taxation, simply walk into the political science department. Campus conservatives may want to invest in anti-socialism repellent (my favorite brand is Ron Paul), while campus liberals may want to dye their hair purple and green, and wear checkered jackets that scream out “I look like a vagabond but this is a great way to tell me apart from the opposition.”

Finally, be prepared for roommate quarrels and in-room catfights. My best advice to you is to find a nice corner in your Campus Center that’s just discrete enough to hide your face into that Organic Chemistry textbook when things get heated. Or you can videotape all your arguments, post them on YouTube, and laugh about it with your roommate several hours later because Housing was “too busy” to move one of you into another room.

For all those entering their first or continuing year of undergrad this September, good luck to you all and remember to have fun. But most importantly, remember to get yourselves good grades because there are no do-overs here. This time it actually counts.

Roy Antoun will be entering his Junior year at Rutgers University this September. Find him on campus for more valuable, sarcastic advice.